An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day.
The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." >
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"
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A fun thing to do....
Take 30 seconds to try this, you won't believe what you will
see...right straight out of Microsoft Word...
1. Open a new document in Word.
2. Type "Unable to follow directions"(without the quotes).
3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed.
4. Click Tools; Language; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open then thesaurus).
5. Look at the suggested synonyms selection.
You have to try this. It's too funny.
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Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him.
"You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... But on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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From the "glad It wasn't me" dept....
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe.
The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the "enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?) the Harrier was operating unarmed.
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An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, he began to wonder if there might be more between the two of them than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, " Father, ever since your young priest friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with her. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
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A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."
So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."
The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?
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A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it.
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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP".
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP". The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP". The lady couldn't stand not knowing why he was continually yelling out the window.
So, the lady asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
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For some reason, a certain female freind sent me a bunch of nudist colony jokes... I wonder what it means?
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand AND a dozen donuts.
>
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? > A. She is the one who can eat the last donut
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Top 17 things not to say to your pregnant wife/girlfriend:
17. "I finished the Oreos."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty
pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a
baby..!!
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit
from
that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's
gotta
hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard
Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth ?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that ?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk ?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"
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The Ninety Year Old
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman. What's wrong with that? asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal.
In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love. He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, I forgot where I live!!!!
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